Chronicles of the Cross Family: April 2010

It has pretty much been 3 months since we have updated you all on our family! And, yes we have fallen off the face of the earth (with good reason, which we will share with you in a moment)! Our family has been through a lot since last fall (see here for a quick reminder of everything), we have been hanging on very tight and making it through, trying to be as thankful as possible through it all. Just when we thought we made it through all the craziness of the rollercoaster of the last 6 months, and that our lives were about to settle down for a little bit as we enjoyed the anticipation of the arrival of our next little blessing, our lives were shaken again. This has been a really hard update to sit down and write for lots of different reasons … (taking a deep breath and starting with the easy stuff…Mateo :) )

I think we left you last finishing up Mateo’s surgery at Seattle Children’s and then making it home around mid -January. Let’s get you caught up in this area of our life. Mateo is doing great!!! We were sent home with a little guy that had a sore back, but otherwise in good shape…he was on Tylenol for a few weeks and then done with all meds. The doctors said to try to keep him from jumping, rolling, tumbling (not wanting too much pressure on his spinal chord so it would not leak and then have to be repaired) as much as possible and to not immerse his incision for 8 weeks. At 6-8 weeks we were to go back and have a follow-up with the neurosurgeons and the urologists (just to make sure there was no damage from the surgery). It was about 9 weeks before Mateo and Mommy made the 3 day trip to Seattle for the follow-ups. The doctors said he looked great, he was cleared to be a normally active little boy, and we should see them next year for a basic check up. Praise God for wonderful doctors and news! No physical therapy, no long term effects…we just continue on with a smiley 3 almost 4 year old, who runs and jumps and keeps us on our toes. :)

The other thing we had mentioned in our last update, was that we were continuing our adoption (we had started in Aug. and then had it on hold for a couple of months as we figured out what was going on with Mateo’s health- then when in December we got things moving again…we were thrilled to be able to continue as we really felt our hearts in Ethiopia waiting for the little one God had for us!! :)) and now on the waiting list to find out who our child was. We were told it could take up to 4 months to “receive our referral”, which is when the agency calls with a child they have for us, and we get to look at their pictures and information and say “yes!” :). Well…within 2 weeks of being home from Mateo’s surgery, we received our call on a Wed. afternoon!!! We were shocked and truthfully a little overwhelmed! But when we laid eyes on our precious, beautiful son we knew we couldn’t bring him home soon enough! We fell in love immediately, though truthfully we had loved this child and been praying for them for the last 6 months of our lives (since we know God put him/her on our hearts). Sometimes I struggle with how to put this into words so people will understand and believe that it is as real and as valid as a biological bond…but I truly believe God does something amazing to our hearts. The bond He cultivates between the families He chose to be together through adoption is miraculous and quite amazing. At the time we got the call, our little boy was almost 10 months old, healthy, and gorgeous! He had beautiful curly hair and big bright eyes. Josh and I knew we would say ‘yes’, but we were strongly encouraged by our agency to have his health history reviewed by a pediatrician to make sure we were comfortable with everything. We have a wonderful pediatrician for the boys who agreed to look at everything and get back to us by Monday morning. We were not concerned, everything looked good, we knew we were going to accept him - we were just waiting for the formality to be over. We shared his picture, name, and a little about him with close friends and family, expecting to officially share with everyone about our new son on Monday sometime.

And then on Sunday afternoon we received some news that told us that we were not going to be able to adopt this precious boy or even be able to continue in this adoption process, and we were devastated! (this might sound dramatic, but it is so very true!) This is where we really need your understanding and grace.

Raw Emotional Thoughts of the Situation:

The loss of this boy- our son, was/is so real! Our hearts were broken. We were in shock. We didn’t understand how this could happen. To be completely honest with you, we were struggling with how God would let this happen!?? Why would He place this child and this country in our hearts, lead us to this precious child and provide for every detail in this process just to stop it here? How, with everything we have been through in the last few months, could we really handle more!!?? (this really felt like the last straw of what or how much we could handle!) Maria is pregnant! In our shock: I didn’t want to be pregnant! Please try to understand, this is nothing against the child inside of me! I am just so happy being a mommy through adoption. God has given me the most precious, handsome little boys through adoption, why would I want or need to be pregnant? I know there was a time 6 years ago, when I would have given anything to be an expectant mother through pregnancy, and I would be so frustrated with others who would be pregnant, but not happy about it. (So, I do see the irony here- for those of you who might still be in that position, I am very sorry.) But I truly feel that God had taken that desire from me, and I am so content with my beautiful children. (As my pastor put it a little over a month ago in a sermon- right when I needed to hear it (to check my bad attitude) This was my security blanket, this is what I know, this is what I am comfortable with, this is a part of my identity…and now it is being taken from me…and instead of trusting God to be my security in everything, I was throwing a fit!) And now we are being told we have to give one precious child up for another? How are we supposed to deal with this. Does anyone actually have to do this? We feel people will expect us to be thrilled…but will they be able to acknowledge/understand our loss? Our confusion? (Not to mention how sickly and miserable I have been in the last year with still a handful of mystery pain/digestive complaints that are unresolved…how was I going to handle 9 months of pregnancy on top of this…for the first time….with 2 little ones at home?) Our fears…Will people think this child inside of me will somehow be “better” than our little one in Ethiopia (or even Mateo or Noah?) because this one is “our own”? That this one is a “miracle” baby. Please hear us when we say this - Mateo and Noah are OUR OWN!! And they are just as miraculous as this child growing inside of me, because they are all blessings from God!!

Logistics of this situation:

We were aware of Holt’s policy with pregnancy and adoption. We signed a contract at the beginning of working with them that if we were to get pregnant during the process they would not allow us to continue. Their reasons are founded in that they believe each child, adopted or not, should be allowed at least 9 months of being the new addition in the home to allow for proper bonding and family adjustment. If we were able to continue, there would likely be less than 3 months between both homecomings. Though we were aware a lot had changed with Maria’s health during the last year that had could have improved fertility, we felt very strongly about where God was calling us. So, we signed the contract, committing wholly to this child. In our shock and grief, we struggled with feeling like we had really let this child down, and now there was nothing we could do about it.

Holt has put our account on hold for 6 months, frankly, in case something happens to this pregnancy. (I am in the last week of my first trimester (13 weeks)). After this wait time has passed, we will just have to start the adoption process over again when we are ready, no sooner than when our new baby is 6 months. All the money we have paid so far (less than a third of the total cost) will just be forfeited. Believe it or not this is absolutely the least of our concerns, because we really believe Holt is doing amazing things for orphans all around the world in God’s name and know that that money (God’s money- your money, time, garage sale goods, buying coffee…however you have blessed us with support) has helped and is helping these children either stay with their birth families or be brought together with adoptive families.

So now 2 months later, we have had some time to process and grieve. We still don’t know why all this has happened this way, but we take comfort knowing God’s truth that He is in control and knows what the big picture is. We have found some comfort knowing that our little guy in Ethiopia is with a new family that we are sure will love him as much as we did/would have, instead of a worse fate facing these orphans daily. We still feel Ethiopia on our hearts and hope that God will show us why and for what purpose.

In the grand scheme of things and keeping things in perspective (though we feel loss) there has been no death, no life threatening illness that we are struggling with, and we are still trying to thank God in all the craziness, because He truly blesses us daily! We have a new child that we are ready to love and welcome into our family in about 6 months…just as curious to see who God has for us…boy or girl, what are they going to look like, what will they be like. :) We do have an idea of their age, though! ;)

Though we are doing better, we are still progressing. So we ask for grace and patience (and prayers) from you in this situation! Thank you! And for reading through ALL of this, I will include some pictures of our cuties that will hopefully make it worth it for you :)

Mateo's Laugh...so precious!